Can't Get It Goin'

I'm on my 3rd day of recovering. Other than a morning bike ride with Corey, I have been in a very passive state. Yesterday I didn't do anything... Katharine got my phone sometime during the day at my desk. She's upgraded from photos of feet and got her face in one! 

But still got her feet too. 

She is definitely a girl. She changes her clothes several times a day, she loves pink, flowers, and shoes. She's a cutie. Today I did go to the temple around 4 so that was good. On my drive there I was thinking of Nate Bargatze's pancake joke as he was wondering "What is up with me TODAY?!?! I can't get it goin'!" Might have been the leftover ice cream sandwiches from the walkabout Sunday that I helped myself to a few too many of... I kept listening on my drive there and home, he's really funny. My friend Alisha came by today. We saw each other for the first time in years last Friday night at the Utah Royals came, and of the many things we talked, she asked me about butterflies! She said she's seen some of the things I shared on facebook and has been wondering where I order my monarch eggs or caterpillars from and I told her I find them in my yard and told her to come by. I texted her today and she did come by to see how my milkweed looks - she has a place in her yard where she might try to grow them, but her yard was so pretty and she obviously takes good care of it, so she was wondering how they look fully grown, so she can plan. I gave her a few pods that are mature and 4 caterpillars - I had 3 on hand and one that we found as we were outside looking for eggs and talking about milkweed. Mel was a little sad cause she wanted one to take to BYU, so when I was out with Katharine (taking her over to the neighbors playset) I looked at the milkweed on the way and was glad to find one for her. I'm glad I found one, and am glad I don't have anymore for me. I might be going through a change cause I am wanting to pass them along rather than keep them here. Again, I might be in recovery mode and don't want any more responsibilities than necessary, not even caterpillars. I did lay on the grass for a bit and read a book. And I had my feet on the grass for an hour tonight at the Salad Social with neighborhood ladies. After sneaking to the temple for initiatories at 4:30, I went by the store for some cucumbers to make a Greek Salad for the salad Social. Sophi and Lily in the back with their friends - 

We had a great turn out, it was nice to visit with everyone, and I love the berries and poundcake and cream concoction that the Morgans make. I went back for a 2nd, 3rd, and 4th helping of that. 

The book I was reading yesterday was the one that first introduced me to grounding/earthing. It's called "Health Revelations from Heaven and Earth: 8 Divine Teachings from a Near Death Experience" And as I continued reading, I shared with Wes some of the things he said about being positive from and it had some insights that I thought were good and I sent Wes a few messages. He's been a little discouraged about things, totally normal for a missionary. I'm not sure if the things I said were helpful though. Corey always sends the kids good stuff. Wes asked about how he can know which thoughts are even his own?? I sent him a few photos of pages from the Light of Christ book, pages 36 - 43. In that book John Pontius says there are 3 voices in a normal healthy mind: 1st - You yourself (usually is asking questions and seeking), 2nd - the devils minions (nearly always stated as absolute  and lead us away from truth) and 3rd - the Holy Ghost (quiet commands and promptings to believe, serve, bless, pray and repent) 

Speaking of Wes, here is one final thought for today (and now that I think of it, maybe part of my being in a funk and struggling this past week is in regards to this...) So a few weeks ago we got a bill from the Hendrick Medical Center in Abilene Texas for Wesley's endoscopy (statement dated Aug 4) for $4500 freaking dollars. $4546.41 to be exact. I was like just so mad - like WHY can they just do something and send you a bill without giving you a heads up of "oh by the way, if we do this, it is basically going to cost as much as a car"?!?!? When Wesley first started having problems choking on his mission and his mission nurse and some mission area doctor, who is a retired gastroenterologist, recommended he get checked out cause they didn't want him to choke and die, and we don't want that either. They suggested he come home to get it done, but that would have been atleast a week hanging out at home to come for an appointment before hand and maybe a follow up after, and we didn't want his mission to be disrupted like that, and we have a $18000 deductible anyway that we are not going to meet, so we'd be paying out of pocket for this ANYWAY, so we said we'd prefer he get it done out there. I guessed it would be like $2000. In June the mission nurse HAD gotten a quote for us before hand and said it would be $400 for the endoscopy! That sounded too good to be true but I was like "sweet!" but I was still ok when they said it was actually also another $300 for an office visit before the procedure. That's still good and over $1000 less than what I expected. Procedure was Jul 5, and now in August come all the bad news from bills. And he had called on July 5th on the day of his procedure saying that we had to pay another $700 something and I was like "Allright, whatever, here's the credit card number..." so we paid $737.30 that day, and now $4546 more - total bill for the medical clinic is $5283.71. I felt some despair when I told Corey about it when it came, but he wasn't ready to try and put out that fire, he said to give him a few days. I called them last week to see what they could do, they said that we can get a 24 month plan for $189.43 a month, plus 20% off of the balance when/if we decide or are able to pay off the rest of the balance. So that seems like our best way forward. I reminded him about it tonight, and Corey will get back to me tomorrow about what we'll do about it. I felt and feel so helpless. Why can they do that? Is it cause hospitals assume insurance is paying for it?? So they just rack it up as high as they want? I was so discouraged, but have been trying to wait on the Lord. He is my God and I have a covenant relationship with him, and he has promised to fight my battles. Oh my gosh I almost forgot that that scripture is from Exodus 14:14!! (14 is my lucky number)

 The Lord shall fight for you, and ye shall hold your peace.

So I've been trying to hold my peace, striving to wait on the Lord to help us, to give us more credit, or maybe help Corey's project to take off and succeed, anything... Lord, does your hear us?? Are you aware of our burdens and trials as we try to raise this large family with all their needs and all the things we want to do to help them opportunities and experiences we are trying to give them? We have other bills for it too: We've paid $700 to the doctor (I thought that was it, cause I thought the procedure would be done in the doctors office/clinic? I obviously don't know what an endoscopy entails...) so I was a little surprised, but not surprised just bummed, when we ALSO got a $474 bill for pathology - ugh.... and then this week a $258 bill for the anesthesiologist, also knowing that the Hendrick Medical Center bill minimum of $1515 was/is due tomorrow. So with all that backstory, that was on my mind on our ride this morning, and I reached into my pocket to take a screen shot of Lily Anderson's captioning from her podcast 4.35 for Helaman 1-6:

"If I build on the rock of my Redeemer, I will not fall. We just have to hold tighter and tighter to Christ in times of craziness, in times of misery, in times of confusion, when our hearts are breaking, we hold tighter to Christ." 

That's what I'll do when I'm struggling, when I can't get it goin', when I'm in a funk - I will hold onto CHRIST and trust in HIM. We will go forward into the Red Sea or across the Jordan River.