Peter lost another tooth today.
And here is what he wore to school today.
I didn't notice anything out of line this morning... When I saw him after school, I thought he was wearing our costume Peter Pan leggings, but no, these are just green soccer socks, which he pulled up over his legs and over his shorts sometime during the day. I didn't notice the green socks this morning because of his cowboy boots. I would have let him wear the socks. I would not have told him to NOT pull them up over his whole leg, cause I wouldn't have thought of doing that. I hope he wasn't wearing them all day like that, it looks a bit ridiculous.
A few other things got ridiculous today too. Corey had his car working at his dads, then he went down to BYU to do mock interviews for students to give them feedback. He saw the new Sandbox area at Nuskin, where Ethan will be spending his time for the next few years in the Sanbox Program. He said it's nice and that's he's excited for Ethan. Today was Ethan's first day. Then Corey went and picked up his bike which needed new rotors, which we don't have $ for, but Corey charged it, cause he feels like he needs to exercise. On his way back, he said he was coming home but still needed to work, and asked me to slip some food into his office. I said I would make dinner after I took Daniel to karate. We went out to the van, and it was gone. I fogot that I had told Abi she could take it and go to the temple. Ahhh, so we hopped on our bikes and Daniel and I rode down to Karate. 3 miles, 21 minutes. I rode back home and knew I'd have a car when he was done to pick him and his bike up.
A quick bike ride was good for my mental health, cause I was mad at our situation. When I got back home, I mowed the lawn and my feelings of frustration continued. I wish we could afford to have someone come and help take care of our yard. OR that we managed ourselves and our kids well enough that WE took care of it, like every Saturday evening or something. I mowed around our sad mailbox and these thoughts continued. I said over a year ago that our mailbox, I felt, was a visual representation of our precarious financial situation. I still feel that way. Today it got a little bit worse. The door to the mailbox is gone.
It's still standing though. So stupid, this sad mailbox and sad situation we are in. I'm mad that I don't always have a car, Abi usually has it at school or Lyceum or her flute lesson, blah. Even when I do have the van, I'm mad about how it shakes and the poor condition it is in. It needs a new windshield. (Forgive me for sharing these "I feel mad about this" emotions that pop up every now and then. I usually try to keep my complaints and murmuring quiet, but they were a little louder today, and I know they will pass, but I thought I should record them for history's sake). Corey was feeling the same way today. "This is ridiculous." Without his permission, but for our family history's sake of the reality of our life, I now share a few slightly edited transcriptions of voice messages he sent to me today.
"I’m struggling because I am I’m feeling a bit of resentment. We are out of money. I don’t know that I can pay the rest of the bills in the next week or so I just sent ____ a text. I am kind of resentful of this whole thing. I just paid another bill for a credit card for this business to move forward, but I am struggling here because I’m feeling like I should not do this. I’ve got some bills due the next couple days that I can’t make. We’ll see if he is able to deliver. I don’t know what I’ve got myself into sweetheart. Is it the right choice? I feel resentful because like I don’t even know when I’m gonna get paid, I've got so many other expenses. I’m kind of resenting this. I went to the temple for guidance this morning, and my take away from the temple was that I gotta pay Rafael. I have used money that I should have used to pay Rafale to pay Yuri and pay for household stuff so I borrowed another $3000 to pay Raphael, $3600 for another business purchase... I spent $7000 today, all borrowed, and I don’t wanna do this anymore. I’m not saying this to stress you out but this is dumb. I don’t think it makes any sense. I don’t wanna be that buy that doens't pay people so I’m like I gotta pay Rafael. He’s probably praying for it and I don’t like this.
I'm feeling resentment and anger today. I mean, can I go in more debt? Yeah I can. I don’t know that I should. I mean I’m glad when I atleast get a text message back... ugh, it's ridiculous. I think I’m too quick to play a martyr. I'm trying to be a good guy, trying to save the day. Like years ago when ____ wanted to this 3-D math game, he gave me some money and I felt like Ok, I got to deliver on this, so I put another bunch of money into it to sort of pay off my debt to him and to show good faith and he just totally blew me off. I don't like being the only one who seems to care. I'm always hustling, like back at the ____ group, too like this pattern behavior I keep showing. Trying to be all in and show faith and then get left holding the bag. That’s that’s the pattern that I feel that I’ve seen is that. I try to show good faith and I’m stupid enough to believe them and then I left holding the bag and I’m trying to prove myself with technology to show him that I can do it and I did it and they’re not even interested. That's what it boils down I think
This is stupid and I say that I’m doing this for the greater long-term good part of my mission life and I have nothing to show for it. But maybe he'll bring a check over and then I feel like I should keep going, that I should lean more into it cause I’m grateful. So I want to honor that good faith but then I’ll just be in the same position a month later on. I don’t know. So I've only had this feeling today that I better pay Raphael. I’m can’t wait, I'm behind on invoices so I borrowed money to pay. I don’t know. I’m just mad for this point. I can’t live my life and continue with crisis mode. It’s not good for me.
So those were my thoughts too as I mowed the lawn - .72 miles walking in 26 minutes. We often feel like we are in a similar predicament as Ernest Shackleton, though obviously less urgent, as we have land under our feet, sunshine, and survivable temperatures. And Corey said today that we are out of penguins, we need more penguins, and I'm thinking, NO... we need to get off of this stupid ice flow! We need to get out of Antartica!!! How do we get out of this situation???? Some similar thoughts I had from 2014 (over 10 years later and we're still here...) "Near-debilitating anxiety" yeah, that sounds accurate:
"Good article on the mentality of an entrepreneur here, and I totally love this picture from that same post, I think it's an accurate representation...
"... many of those entrepreneurs harbor secret demons: Before they made it big, they struggled through moments of near-debilitating anxiety and despair--times when it seemed everything might crumble. It's like a man riding a lion. People think, 'This guy's brave.' And he's thinking, 'How the hell did I get on a lion, and how do I keep from getting eaten?"
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