I Went to the Doctor

So, I had some good news that I was going to share in a few months, but now I don't have good news. The news was going to be that I was expecting. I found out early on Mother's Day last week. I was super excited and felt like the luckiest woman alive. I'll let myself explain in these thoughts that I recorded that morning ~

I am writing this part of the post in real time (5/11 at 7 am) but I'm not going to post it to the blog for a few weeks/months, until after news of our news gets out. The news, that Corey doesn't know about yet, is that we are expecting. I should have started my cycle last Monday. I thought I had some spotting twice, but then nothing else happened. I had one pregnancy test that I bought prob a year ago. I decided that I would take it this morning. I woke up on my own and laid there for a minute, then looked over at the clock across the room to see the time. And it was 4:28 am. That made me smile and warmed my heart. I thought it was a sign that I was going to get what I wanted! As I got up, I also thought "Well, maybe God is telling me he loves me, even though I am not going to get what I want..." We'd know in just a moment... and it was positive. I knelt down and thanked Heavenly Father for his miracle. God willing, if I don't miscarry, I will be due Jan 12, so I can be induced on Jan 5 at 39 weeks. I was really hoping a few months ago that I'd get an October or November baby, cause we don't have any birthdays in those two months, but we'll take what the Lord giveth, and I am so so grateful that He has been so generous with me. 

So those were my thoughts last week, and then the whole week went so slow, and I was feeling like 40 weeks is going to take forever... but it's ok, it will be worth it. Then Monday morning, I had some spotting. Then a little more, it was happening all day, not enough to soak a liner but enough that every time I wiped after using the bathroom I was concerned. I felt well enough that Corey and I went climbing and did top rope that night (my 600th activity on Strava!). Corey gave me a priesthood blessing later that night. On Tuesday morning, I thought I might  go to the temple for 5 am initiatories, but I was going to play it by ear. I woke up to my alarm, went to the bathroom, more bleeding, and then I got really light headed and I almost passed out in the bathroom. I did black out and I couldn't see, but I was holding myself up in the door frame until my sight returned. I was just inhaling as much as I could to get oxygen to my brain. I didn't know what the blackout meant or why that happened. I laid back down and tried to decide if I should wake Corey. I thought maybe I had an ectopic pregnancy? That was on my radar since my little sister had one years ago, and since I was lightheaded and almost fainted. After like 20 min, I did wake him up and we decided to go to the ER. They did an ultrasound and blood test, and there was a yolk sac in there "You're definitely pregnant" and the blood work showed that I was anemic. I knew I usually had to start taking iron when I was pregnant, but maybe my stores are low since I'm getting older and so the anemia kicked in early? Maybe that's why I almost fainted. I took some iron when I got home. They told me to follow up with my doctor in 48 hours to see if my numbers are going up or down. If they go down then I've miscarried. I rested most of the day, but also felt a lot better after the iron kicked in. Mel came up and took over mom roles for me. I still was bleeding quite a lot. In a moment of wanting to go outside and get some movement, and cause it needed to be done, I decided to mow the lawn. After that I went to use the bathroom and felt something pass - it looked like some tissue. I thought that that might have been the yolk sac they saw in the ultrasound. I guess that's it and bed rest is not going to help me, so I went on with my day and went on a ride up to the ruins later that night. The Indigo Girls song Closer to Fine played and I was kinda making a checklist for myself: I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains, I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains. I drank from the creek up at the ruins, and said I'd checked the four boxes that point me in a crooked line. It was good for my mental health. I was obviously disappointed that I had miscarried (99% positive I had). I didn't cry though, I felt at peace and ok and like I was doing good. Picking up Katharine from a ride with Corey (she was done - not getting sleepy this time, just wanted to be done) then Corey finished his ride and I left for my ride at 6:20pm. 

Today I went to the doctor for my 48 hour follow up. They didn't do any ultrasound, but I told him I'd been bleeding since Monday and was pretty sure I'd miscarried. They drew some blood and we'll see how my numbers compare to the blood draw at the ER. I brought my bike in the van so I could go on a ride after and do those four things again. Doctor (check) and then I went to the mountains (Corner Canyon this time). I looked to the children I have been given. Even if we don't have another (I know I'm pushing my luck at 49 years old), I know God has been generous to me with these 13 great kids that I have been given. How many people get 13 kids?!? God has been abundantly generous to me. So I was out there on a ride for an hour and 45 minutes, just taking my time. I started at the Coyote Trailhead, went up Anns but then turned down to BST, then up Lexi & Ethan to get to Potato Hill. Then across Ann's,  Upper Rush is currently closed for maintenance, so I went around to Ghost Falls, which was the only place where I could drink from the fountains. I intentionally went out of my way to go to Ghost Falls so I could do that part - took a pic on the bridge that goes over the little Ghost Falls stream. 

After that I turned back up Canyon Hollow and took Brocks where I was able to connect to Rush via Fly by Night, which took me to Rush Trees. That part of Rush was open, as was lower Rush. They've put some new jumps on Rush which I'm sure I would like if I could do jumps, but today it just freaked me out. Now I have to be slower and more careful so I don't rocket launch and crash land and hurt myself. So yeah, so that was my news. I was pretty excited and told Joseph and Eliza first, cause he was following up with me cause I gave him a teaser when he took me to the airport in Ohio. So when he called on Mother's Day, I told him. It would have been so fun to have a sibling that is younger than your child, ha! Or we thought we could have them all go to school together, and people would ask "oh, are you brother and sister?" and they'd be like "No, he's my uncle!" or "She's my niece!" Would have been so so fun. Maybe it will still happen, although I know I'm pushing my luck being 49 years old here. I'll hold on to hope though, cause I do feel like I was told 14 kids, so we'll see.