So, last Tuesday, I went in for the ultrasound. Last week they said everything looked good, but she did tell me at the ultrasound that there was more water on the kidneys than they like to see. Usually they'd have me come back at 28 weeks for a follow up ultrasound, but since we're going to be gone, she'd ask Dr. Smith what he wanted us to do. The ultrasound lady also told me not to google water on the kidneys on the internet cause it might scare me, just talk to my pediatrician. Well, I googled it, and it's a maker for downs syndrome. I didn't panic and didn't feel worried. Until... the next day when they called to schedule me for another ultrasound before we leave for Brazil, and she mentioned "neucal fold" so I googled that, found out it's Nuchal Fold, and that one is a high marker for downs syndrome too. Of course, there are 11 different markers... Is it really something I need to worry about or are they just telling me so they don't get blamed for not telling me something that might be something I might be mad that they didn't tell me about? Ugh, I felt quite annoyed. We haven't told the kids anything, but did tell our parents last week so they could keep the baby in their prayers. I'm content to let the Lord's will be done, but if I did have a choice, I guess I'd choose to just have another beautiful and healthy child like I've been used too, cause that has been absolute joy. But then I also know that parents of downs babies say they are the light of their lives. So I tried not to worry, but did for a few days, and shed a few tears in prayer. I think I was mostly mad about it coming up in the ultrasound. I didn't want to have any genetic testing done, cause if the baby has downs, what can they do about it? What would I do about it? Nothing. If there is a problem like that, I'd rather not know until the baby is born, cause then you have your baby to hold and bond with and nothing else matters. Why do they tell us this stuff that makes us worry? Sometimes I think all the high resolution images and tests are a curse.
Still my doctor asked if I did want to do the genetic test now, and I said sure, so I went in for that last Friday, supposedly has a >91% accuracy for Downs they say, so that will helps us have a better idea either way. The results should be back next week. And I have another ultrasound next week too with the Maternal and Fetal Medicine.
So I read a few blogs, and decided that yes, I'd rather find out I have a downs baby when the baby is born like this mom rather than go through months of worry like this mom. Sure, the water on the kidneys or whatever might not be downs and could be something else that they need to know about so they can be ready when the baby is born... they're trying to cover their bases, right? But I also feel like sometimes the medical field is so busy protecting themselves from a lawsuit - not wanting to be sued cause they missed something - that they tell you every possible thing that might be wrong - at the expense of the patients' sanity and emotional well being.
My mom told me that my little brother, who just had his 2nd child, was told during the ultrasound that their baby had two markers for downs syndrome too - a high level marker in the heart and low marker of short legs. And their baby Edmund is beautiful and perfect and fine. Another lady in my church ward, who just had her 7th, said that she's had "water on the kidneys" for most of her babies. There's always something that they make you worry about. But we just have to put our trust in God. He's in control, and I'll gratefully take any child he sees it in his wisdom to give us. If we have a little boy with Downs Syndrome, I will praise Him and thank Him, and trust Him that He will help us as we are taken out of our comfort zone and into new territory. If the baby is just a regular baby, I will accept that angel boy and know he is just as precious in his sight at a Downs baby. A baby with Downs would have his own special mission to perform on this earth, and I also know that a normal baby has a special mission to perform for the Lord too. You have a special mission, Natalie!
You cute thing, you!
Last week I listened a lot to "Master the Tempest is Raging" by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, and that helped me know that I don't need to wake the Lord to hasten and take control, He already is in control of my life and guiding my ship. I also love this song from "17 Miracles", particularly the line "'til I shall be in perfect harmony with Thee."
The lesson at church on Sunday was also perfect and just what I needed - Living Joyfully in Troubled Times . The opening hymn "Jesus Savior Pilot Me" was another song that I'll be singing this week as I go forward in faith. We can have faith in the Lord no matter what our circumstances.
