Lost Straw

Corey and I went on a ride this morning. The quarry trial is still lovely. I love fall.

Cute video here of Katharine playing her piano this afternoon, singing with great emotion.

(She's so cute!)

Speaking of emotion, I had a sudden downpour of tears this afternoon after the kids got home from school. I'm now looking back to figure out what happened and I think I understand where it came from now. First, today was the weekly coaching call with Laura Dixon. One lady was coached about not loosing control over cupcakes. Laura told her to imagine herself at her goal weight. "As you visualize yourself there, what does SHE think about cupcakes?" I listened as I did dishes, so I didn't take notes, but it was good and helpful, and if I do think I'll eat cupcakes, plan for it - put it on my menu. How many am I going to eat? One? five? ten? Write it down and then stick to it. That will help me build trust with myself, to make a food plan and then follow through with it (or eat less than my plan) but don't lie to myself saying I'm not going to eat something and then just give into it. I tried a little bit to think of that, and then later around 3:00, Katharine was asleep and I had a few minutes to read. I read Feb 3 in my Simple Abundance book - about discovering our authentic self and ways that we can to get to know who we truly are. It went along nicely with thoughts that were already in my head from the coaching call:

"This is who you are on the inside. The real you. If you don't act this way all the time, it's simply because you haven't evolved to a higher plane of existence yet. Neither have I. But occasionally we get glimmers of what it's like on this higher plane; on a good-hair day, when we've had 12 hours of sleep. (etc...) Moments when we tend to think that all's right with the world. Everything just fell into place. What we don't realize is that all's right with ourselves. We're in the flow of life an loving it. We're in place: that special alignment when authenticity and reality merge into wholeness. But how do we tap into this spiritual energy source more often? How do we access the flow of life more frequently?"

And then Sarah Breathnauch lists some suggestions: "Meditation helps. So do long walks, smiling at everyone we meet, being more gentle with ourselves, watching a sunrise or a sunset, petting an animal, playing with a child, having some small pleasure to look forward to everyday, being grateful. But above all, being open to change. Welcoming it. Watch. Wait, Time will unfold and fulfill its purpose. Marainne Williamson advises: While we wait, we must not go unconscious. We must think and grow. rejoice and dream, kneel and pray."

So K was still asleep, I tried to close my eyes and connect with God and myself, Quote from page Feb 4 "My business is not to remake myself, but make the absolute beset of what God made." - Robert Browning.

The coaching call and book came together and I liked it - I tried to tap deeper into my thoughts by flushing them out in a polo to Nicole... "Spend time with this version of me. Imagine what is her day to day life like. Fall in love with the magnificent possibilities within myself. When I do (fall in love with this ideal me) Then the forces that would limit those possibilities within me (like cupcakes) hold less and less sway over her. (that's from Feb 3) When I'm in the flow of life and loving it, we're in the place, this special alignment when authenticity and reality merge into wholeness. (Matt 5:48 - Greek for perfect = wholeness, maturity, complete.) And again I look at her list of how we find it? Meditation, long walks, smiling at everyone, being gentle with ourselves. I thought that the ideal me keeps a clean room. I was trying to ponder and learn what I want and strive for, but then the kids got home from school, and they were knocking at my bedroom door. Instead of being calm, I was irritated. They wanted to use my computer and/or play with friends. I told Owen he had to practice trumpet first. In the polo to Nicole, I pointed out my unorganized bedroom, then again was exasperated with kids knocking and ended the polo to go be a mom. So much for successfully tapping into my natural self! I help Owen with trumpet, and he couldn't find his straw. His teacher just gave him a thick straw with a pencil eraser on it to practice his blowing (he does that at the beginning of each practice and lesson) but he didn't know where it was. He said he put it by the computer. But Owen, THAT IS NOT WHERE IT GOES! It goes in your trumpet case! Why didn't you put it there? I started to think that it probably came apart and someone probably thought the straw was just a straw and thew it away. We look under the couch and in the drawers. There are scattered papers of sheet music everywhere - I don't know what is important and what is last years music. What do we need to keep? WHY IS OUR HOME SO MESSY AND DISORGANIZED! And I started to cry. I went from having 20 minutes of quiet striving to find my ideal self and then lost it all as I went to face the reality of the mess of my world just made me sad. So I cried and cried as I looked for Owen's straw and I didn't let him go to his friends house as we looked. We didn't find it. I hope we find it before next week. We looked and I tried to organize the music room for an hour and then I went and cried in a polo to Nicole, then I had to go pickup Abi from Lyceum in American Fork. I left alone. I told Corey  I was a mess and didn't want to take K (she'd prob fall asleep in the car for 2 hours and then that would mess up things at bedtime) so Corey and Wes came home to be with Katharine and Peter, and I drove in the quiet and cried and listened to Sister Holland's talk two times (24:37) and longed for simplicity in my life and in my heart. Starting at 26:06: "Like you, we were young once, but now we have grown old. As I look back at my life, and if I could live any part of it over again, I would do one thing differently—very differently: simplify! It seems to me that everything is better when it is simplified—our food, our clothing, our furnishings, and our schedules. What I regret most in my youth is that I didn’t see the simple beauty of the gospel; I made even the gospel too complex. I felt it was too overwhelming, too difficult, and sometimes even too mysterious." I'm hoping as I work through this Simple Abundance book, it will help me fight to see the simple abundance in everyday life. Little things like watching a butterfly. I usually do a pretty good job, but today I felt overwhelmed and it's ok that I just let myself cry. 

I was surprised with how quickly that breakdown came on though. Another part of the mess and my stress was the kids getting into a bag of stuff last night that I had gathered to donate. I had gathered clothes and toys to give to kid to kid, and Natalie found it, sorted out the bag of clothes, got out the 100 beads and strings, they're all over now. It's one step forward two steps back with everything. I need a maid. I need someone to help me. Kids help with basic cleaning, but all this clutter everywhere I need someone to help me with is. I was just relistening to my polo to Nicole, and the first one, where I was happy, and I actually could hear Owen playing trumpet. When I went downstairs when we were looking for the straw, I figured he hadn't practiced since he hadn't done the straw part (cause it was lost) and I said plus I hadn't heard him, so he must not have practiced, but I was mistaken. You did practice, Owen. Sorry to make you do it again. It was good to get a cry out, my eyeballs are all dried up now. Going to go to bed. I'm glad Corey and I have been able to go biking in the fall leaves. I don't know what I'll do in the winter when it's dark and cold that can fill my heart like biking in the fall does. Maybe I'll get some snowshoes? Hiking in the snow could be fun. I am always longing for fall. Maybe I'll take to painting fall leaves.