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Wednesday, February 28, 2018
Preemptive Love
At the beginning of this month, my "lifestyle coach" Holly encouraged us to join her doing a "February Facebook Fast". I don't think I wasted too much time on there before, but it was nice to fast from it and not have it be an option. But tonight, since it's almost March, I just got on a peeked around and I saw a video of one of my favorite organizations, Preemptive Love. Watch that video. You see that guy, Omar? He is taking care of twelve children! TWELVE! Sometimes I think I got it rough here in the abundant US of A with my eleven kids!?! I've definitely gotten the easy part. Am I and are my children starving for food? Are we sleeping in the open desert air in on concrete rubble? He says they've forgotten what it's like to sleep. Oh, what a hard lot in life they've been given. I've got nothing to complain about, oh I wish I could just bring all of them here to our home and help them.
Look at this sweet baby girl sleeping, a beautiful picture complete innocence and trust, not worrying about the violence and horror in her country. The poor caretaker carries those worries for both of them - Awat and Mariam in Mosul Iraq. Teleportation devices aren't around yet, (hopefully someone has gotten started inventing those) but since I can't bring them here, I can atleast try to send food there. Thus, we're now making a monthly donation. Organizations like this and Operation Underground Railroad are just so good. We have to help!
This charity group "Preemptive Love" caught my attention a couple of years ago, probably via facebook video. I was touched and made a donation or two. Oh wait, no, I heard about them through Ann Voskamp, yeah that's right. Love her too. So, a little while after donating I was surprised and grateful that they sent me a book to say thanks. I read it and it made my heart cry and yearn to help bring comfort to the people of Syria and Iraq. I'm grateful for the work that Preemptive Love does.
Tuesday, February 27, 2018
Bedtime and Stories
Mel doesn't get many chances to snuggle with Daniel. She used to be the second mother in line when I'd need a break, but those were simpler times for Melodie. Now she is so busy that she hasn't had much time to bond with this little guy. Daniel often chooses Abi over me, Abi is the new second mother of choice. So Mel was really happy tonight when Daniel fell asleep on her.
I enjoy having these little ones at home. They are my little friends.
Monday, February 26, 2018
Five Goals
So, I told you before, and I'll tell you again... Holly is awesome and her online workshops are great. If any of you want to join the EJC with me, I've decided it's worth the money. I've joined as a regular member and if you're looking for something to help you get on track, this will help (if you put in the work!)
I've spent the past month working on my homework for the "Design Your Best Year Yet" workshop and I'm loving it. There are four phases, so about one a week to work on, so I'm catching up a bit but I'm almost done. Phase 1 was Complete the Past. Phase 2: You Become What You Believe. Phase 3: Design Your Future, and Phase 4: Make It Happen. We chose our 3 priorities and she guided me through selecting those. Mine are Faith, Family, and Self Care. And then I made a huge brain dump list of all my hopes for this year (I kept it at 42 things cause I'm turning 42 this year) and filtered through those and selected 5 to focus on. I did the work and ran those through the SMARTER framework (Specific, Measureable, Actionable, Risky, Timed, Exciting, Relevant) and I found out my "Why?" for each goal. Anyway, I did a lot of my self-work over the weekend and today is day one of phase 4 - making it happen! I've got a lot of alarms on my phone, but it's been a great wonderful calm and diligent day, I'm checking things off and I'm excited cause I'm not just checking things off, but they are in my mind and my attitude is good and I feel happier and calmer, which is one of the big things I want to work on. So, here are my Five SMARTER Goals with 3 of my why's underneath:
Which led me to reading Chapter 20 in my Whole30 "It Starts With Food" book- check out these two great snippets!
p. 225 – CHEAT DAYS: We are not fans of scheduled “cheat meals” and even worse, “cheat days.” When you purposefully plan to make poor food choices, you are literally setting youself up to fail! Plus, you are more likely to eat something you don’t really want, just because you’ve told yourself you can. In addition, devoting an entire day to poor food choices (allowing yourself to binge on all the super-normally stimulating, processed, nutrient poor food you want) wreaks havoc for days to come. Your sugar cravings, GI tract, energy levels, and mental health will take far less of a”hit” if you eat healthy, slip in your less healthy choice, then go right back to eating healthy foods (versus an entire day of carb-a-palooza).
p .226 – “If you are happy with your food, feeling great, and lovin’ life, there is no reason whatsoever to stray from this template.” Then the book gives a few reasons to eat foods that are less healthy. 1) for culturally significant or family related events in which food and drink play a major role. Wedding, special vacation, christmas dinner – can have important emotional significance. 2) Because they are delicious – On a case by case basis, make conscious, deliberate, informed decisions. … which led to this next part that I loved.
p. 227 THAT AINT SPECIAL – One thing we’ll tell you right now – the box of doughnuts (or the open bag of pretzels, or the bag of M&Ms sitting on the breakroom counter) is not special. You are a grown up. You earn your own money. And if you want doughnuts, pretzels, or a bag of M&Ms, you can walk right into ANY supermarket or convenience store and BUY THEM. These foods are not special. They’re not homemade, or a once a year treat, and we’re pretty sure they don’t evoke fond childhood memories of sitting around the dining room table while mom pulls things out of the oven. Now, if the chocolate glazed doughnut is your favorite food in the whole world, that may be a different story. But don’t indulge in something that’s less healthy just because its AROUND. That’s not a good enough reason.
So, I discovered a limiting belief. I have thought “I have a hard time resisting treats” and “I like treats, I want a treat!” But now I’m going to go over the roadmap and if some unexpected cookies show at up, I will say “It is easy for me to resist treats” and “Those aren’t special”. Using “That aint special” totoally works! Like I have this "I'm too good for you!" feeling now when look at Nutella or think of the store bought cookies I had a hard time resisting last week. I’m excited it’s worked. Another new empowering belief “I will make conscious, deliberate, informed food decisions/choices” If I deliberately decide the food or drink is really worth it, I can move on enjoying it, not feeling guilty about it. Such good stuff I'm learning, I'm excited. So, it's almost lunch time, I've done 5 pull ups/let downs so far (I have an alarm set to go off each hour on the hour, about time to go do #6...) I read the Book of Mormon and my scriptures at 9, just like I specifically planned and designed to do, yay! I'm also doing atleast one "day" from the book "A Year To Clear" and so far the things Vogt shares in that book are perfectly aligned with what I've already been doing with Holly. This is going to be my best year yet!
I've spent the past month working on my homework for the "Design Your Best Year Yet" workshop and I'm loving it. There are four phases, so about one a week to work on, so I'm catching up a bit but I'm almost done. Phase 1 was Complete the Past. Phase 2: You Become What You Believe. Phase 3: Design Your Future, and Phase 4: Make It Happen. We chose our 3 priorities and she guided me through selecting those. Mine are Faith, Family, and Self Care. And then I made a huge brain dump list of all my hopes for this year (I kept it at 42 things cause I'm turning 42 this year) and filtered through those and selected 5 to focus on. I did the work and ran those through the SMARTER framework (Specific, Measureable, Actionable, Risky, Timed, Exciting, Relevant) and I found out my "Why?" for each goal. Anyway, I did a lot of my self-work over the weekend and today is day one of phase 4 - making it happen! I've got a lot of alarms on my phone, but it's been a great wonderful calm and diligent day, I'm checking things off and I'm excited cause I'm not just checking things off, but they are in my mind and my attitude is good and I feel happier and calmer, which is one of the big things I want to work on. So, here are my Five SMARTER Goals with 3 of my why's underneath:
1) PHYSICAL (Self Care): I will do 5 min flow each morning at 6 plus 10 reverse pull ups 3 days a week, with a goal to see how many I can do on April 28th
WHY?
• Great exercises that work everything
• Need to maximize my workout time bang for the buck
• I will impress myself if I can do pull ups and if I improve my flexibility
2) SPIRITUAL (Faith): I will read the Book of Mormon 15 minutes everyday at 9 am
WHY?
• it will help me draw nearer to the Lord
• I will find answers
• I will feel God near and know He is helping us and He cares
3) ENVIRONMENT(Family): I will do atleast one day of “A Year to Clear” each day at lunch time (while eating lunch or immediately after)
WHY?
• I need a clear mind and home to be better support to my family
• Corey does so much, this is the least I can do
• a calm clear home and happy wife will help him cope with stress from work
4) EMOTIONAL HEALTH (Self Care): I will set a timer for 5 minutes of affirmations and positive thinking daily at 7:30 a.m, 1:30 pm, and 7:30 pm
WHY?
• I want to have better thoughts and outlook on life
• I want to be happier person and example to my kids
• Happier family
5) LEISURE (Self Care/Family): I will have one on one time with two of my children each day of the week – younger kids during day at 2, older kids after dinner around 8 pm – play a board game, dance, talk, color together, some yummy homemade food)
WHY?
• We've been all work and no play
• I want good personal memories with each of my children
• I want my children to have good memories of/about me
Last night I played Othello with Hyrum! It wasn't quite one on one time, cause little kids were hovering around, but it was a good practice session. I also had a breakthrough this week with finding out a few more limiting beliefs and turning them into empowering beliefs. So, my first limiting belief was "I am not in control". I'm doing good at getting rid of that one. A new one I discovered over the weekend was "I have a hard time resisting treats". One of my EJC friends shared this Whole30 Off-roading map that was helpful -WHY?
• Great exercises that work everything
• Need to maximize my workout time bang for the buck
• I will impress myself if I can do pull ups and if I improve my flexibility
2) SPIRITUAL (Faith): I will read the Book of Mormon 15 minutes everyday at 9 am
WHY?
• it will help me draw nearer to the Lord
• I will find answers
• I will feel God near and know He is helping us and He cares
3) ENVIRONMENT(Family): I will do atleast one day of “A Year to Clear” each day at lunch time (while eating lunch or immediately after)
WHY?
• I need a clear mind and home to be better support to my family
• Corey does so much, this is the least I can do
• a calm clear home and happy wife will help him cope with stress from work
4) EMOTIONAL HEALTH (Self Care): I will set a timer for 5 minutes of affirmations and positive thinking daily at 7:30 a.m, 1:30 pm, and 7:30 pm
WHY?
• I want to have better thoughts and outlook on life
• I want to be happier person and example to my kids
• Happier family
5) LEISURE (Self Care/Family): I will have one on one time with two of my children each day of the week – younger kids during day at 2, older kids after dinner around 8 pm – play a board game, dance, talk, color together, some yummy homemade food)
WHY?
• We've been all work and no play
• I want good personal memories with each of my children
• I want my children to have good memories of/about me
Which led me to reading Chapter 20 in my Whole30 "It Starts With Food" book- check out these two great snippets!
p. 225 – CHEAT DAYS: We are not fans of scheduled “cheat meals” and even worse, “cheat days.” When you purposefully plan to make poor food choices, you are literally setting youself up to fail! Plus, you are more likely to eat something you don’t really want, just because you’ve told yourself you can. In addition, devoting an entire day to poor food choices (allowing yourself to binge on all the super-normally stimulating, processed, nutrient poor food you want) wreaks havoc for days to come. Your sugar cravings, GI tract, energy levels, and mental health will take far less of a”hit” if you eat healthy, slip in your less healthy choice, then go right back to eating healthy foods (versus an entire day of carb-a-palooza).
p .226 – “If you are happy with your food, feeling great, and lovin’ life, there is no reason whatsoever to stray from this template.” Then the book gives a few reasons to eat foods that are less healthy. 1) for culturally significant or family related events in which food and drink play a major role. Wedding, special vacation, christmas dinner – can have important emotional significance. 2) Because they are delicious – On a case by case basis, make conscious, deliberate, informed decisions. … which led to this next part that I loved.
p. 227 THAT AINT SPECIAL – One thing we’ll tell you right now – the box of doughnuts (or the open bag of pretzels, or the bag of M&Ms sitting on the breakroom counter) is not special. You are a grown up. You earn your own money. And if you want doughnuts, pretzels, or a bag of M&Ms, you can walk right into ANY supermarket or convenience store and BUY THEM. These foods are not special. They’re not homemade, or a once a year treat, and we’re pretty sure they don’t evoke fond childhood memories of sitting around the dining room table while mom pulls things out of the oven. Now, if the chocolate glazed doughnut is your favorite food in the whole world, that may be a different story. But don’t indulge in something that’s less healthy just because its AROUND. That’s not a good enough reason.
So, I discovered a limiting belief. I have thought “I have a hard time resisting treats” and “I like treats, I want a treat!” But now I’m going to go over the roadmap and if some unexpected cookies show at up, I will say “It is easy for me to resist treats” and “Those aren’t special”. Using “That aint special” totoally works! Like I have this "I'm too good for you!" feeling now when look at Nutella or think of the store bought cookies I had a hard time resisting last week. I’m excited it’s worked. Another new empowering belief “I will make conscious, deliberate, informed food decisions/choices” If I deliberately decide the food or drink is really worth it, I can move on enjoying it, not feeling guilty about it. Such good stuff I'm learning, I'm excited. So, it's almost lunch time, I've done 5 pull ups/let downs so far (I have an alarm set to go off each hour on the hour, about time to go do #6...) I read the Book of Mormon and my scriptures at 9, just like I specifically planned and designed to do, yay! I'm also doing atleast one "day" from the book "A Year To Clear" and so far the things Vogt shares in that book are perfectly aligned with what I've already been doing with Holly. This is going to be my best year yet!
Sunday, February 25, 2018
Apostolic Blessing
Today we had a sacred privilege and blessing. Some of you know that we have had a neighbor who is well known in the LDS community, because he's been serving as an Apostle for the past 10 years. He received his call to be an apostle in April 2008 (we moved into the neighborhood in August 2007). I recognized him when we moved in because he had visited my mission as a General Authority in 1998. He and his wonderful wife Kathy have been in the ward for almost 25 years, half of their married life. Today they spoke in sacrament meeting as a farewell of sorts. They have moved, so it was a way for them to say goodbye to us. I was able to stay in the meeting for Kathy's remarks and for a musical number by the youth - a medley of Sisters in Zion and We'll Bring the World His Truth. I totally choked up seeing my boys up there, especially Joseph, since he is so close to being a missionary! My eyes teared up. (Corey took this pic)
So after the song, Elder Christofferson spoke. And wouldn't you know, that was when Daniel started to be a stinker. I took him out to the lobby and then back into the overflow area where the speaker worked so I could hear what he said. And then I was totally kicking myself that I hadn't brought a pen and paper to write notes! Blah! Especially near the end because he bestowed upon us an Apostolic blessing. As soon as the meeting was over, I ran in and grabbed my notebook and wrote down the few things I remembered that he said, so from memory:
We will definitely miss the wonderful opportunity that we've had to rub shoulders with them, and I'll so miss Kathy's Sunday School lessons - her enthusiasm for the scriptures and the gospel is contagious! We love them! As Kathy said in her remarks (I was able to write this down before taking Daniel out!)- "We are here on earth not just to learn from books, but from good clinical lab experiences. Its' all worth it. Whatever we can do to endure to the end is worth it." To that I say Amen. We love them so much and will miss them.
-------------------------
Update:
Ok, so first, the notes from Brother Ensign:
Also, I got notes from a few other people in the ward. Sister Schmidt:
Sister Morgan:
Kathy Christofferson - Our wards provide us with our “clinical material”, our lab experience to support our book learning of the gospel. After providing various examples of how she personally has been blessed by a ward, Sister Christofferson thanked us for being good clinical material.
Elder D Todd Christofferson - Themes of the talk: Firmness of mind (Jacob 3:1-2, Alma 57:27) Press forward with steadfastness in Christ (2 Nephi 25:24) (Helaman 3:35) Fast and pray oft. Grow stronger and stronger in humility, and more and more firm. Sanctification cometh as we yield our hearts to God. Apostolic blessing: (I seek the confirmation of the Spirit before bestowing an apostolic blessing. Does the Spirit authorize? Approve? Is it right?) Blessed us with: Added presence of the Holy Spirit, in our lives individually and in our homes. Greater harmony because of the fullness of the Spirit Greater strength to resist evil. That we might be consistent; be firm of mind. That Satan’s power would be less and less, to have no power over us Satan can be bound. Your Millennium can be now. I bless you with a protecting shield against his influence. That the fruits of your labor will be protected. That you will have added facility/ability/ease in receiving answers to your prayers (Pray frequently) I bless you with added ability to understand, to be guided to know what to pray about in our questions to our Heavenly Father Added capacity to minister, uplift, influence for good, even if you are unaware. Sense of the Lord’s approbation in your striving. Being please with your efforts. As often as we repent He will forgive. Spiritual gifts you may require from time to time Teaching, wisdom, counsel, faith as the Lord sees fit from time to time. The world will be more challenging. Will need to rely on faith. It may be the only thing adequate to overcome. I bless you with that faith. One of the good things about this life is that it doesn’t end. It has an end, but is not THE end. Revelation 7:16 They shall hunger no more, neither thirst any more; neither shall the sun light on them, nor any heat. 7:17 For the Lamb which is in the midst of the throne shall feed them, and shall lead them unto living fountains of waters: and God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes. (see also Rev 21:4) I bear testimony . . . as one who has been ordained as a witness of Christ . . . that He lives, and was resurrected. ------------------
Sister Morgan also said that this meeting was one of the most tender, sweet, powerful Spirit-filled meetings she had ever been privileged to attend. "As soon as Elder Christofferson took the stand, this Spirit began to permeate the room. He explained that he had felt impressed that they should move, and had resisted that impression for some time, but in the end decided they should follow the prompting (because we all know how it turns out if we don’t, he joked!). He spoke about having firmness of mind and pressing forward with steadfastness in Christ – that if we grow in humility, we will become more and more firm. We will become sanctified as we yield our hearts to God. He then bestowed upon our congregation an Apostolic blessing."
It really was a wonderful meeting. And we are so thankful to have known them.
- The Spirit approves in him giving us an apostolic blessing. When visiting congregations he always asks himself it is appropriate and if the Lord approves, It isn't always the case but the Spirit does approve of him giving us an apostolic blessing today.
- He blessed us with an increase measure of the spirit in our lives and homes.
- The Millennium will be when Satan is bound. Satan can be bound in your life now! (I loved that!!)
- Zion is here in our ward, we are an example of building Zion in the right way.
- He appreciates our examples. He often uses our examples in his talks, but not always our names.
-------------------------
Update:
Ok, so first, the notes from Brother Ensign:
-Something about our prayers, then I bless you with an increased knowledge of what to pray for
-Added love and an increased desire to love everyone more
-Bless us with a sense of the Lord's approbation for us. He is pleased with your efforts, keep repenting, keep moving forward
- Bless you with spiritual gifts in our lives as the Lord sees fit.
- Especially gifts to be able to counsel effectively as a parent
Sister Morgan:
Kathy Christofferson - Our wards provide us with our “clinical material”, our lab experience to support our book learning of the gospel. After providing various examples of how she personally has been blessed by a ward, Sister Christofferson thanked us for being good clinical material.
Elder D Todd Christofferson - Themes of the talk: Firmness of mind (Jacob 3:1-2, Alma 57:27) Press forward with steadfastness in Christ (2 Nephi 25:24) (Helaman 3:35) Fast and pray oft. Grow stronger and stronger in humility, and more and more firm. Sanctification cometh as we yield our hearts to God. Apostolic blessing: (I seek the confirmation of the Spirit before bestowing an apostolic blessing. Does the Spirit authorize? Approve? Is it right?) Blessed us with: Added presence of the Holy Spirit, in our lives individually and in our homes. Greater harmony because of the fullness of the Spirit Greater strength to resist evil. That we might be consistent; be firm of mind. That Satan’s power would be less and less, to have no power over us Satan can be bound. Your Millennium can be now. I bless you with a protecting shield against his influence. That the fruits of your labor will be protected. That you will have added facility/ability/ease in receiving answers to your prayers (Pray frequently) I bless you with added ability to understand, to be guided to know what to pray about in our questions to our Heavenly Father Added capacity to minister, uplift, influence for good, even if you are unaware. Sense of the Lord’s approbation in your striving. Being please with your efforts. As often as we repent He will forgive. Spiritual gifts you may require from time to time Teaching, wisdom, counsel, faith as the Lord sees fit from time to time. The world will be more challenging. Will need to rely on faith. It may be the only thing adequate to overcome. I bless you with that faith. One of the good things about this life is that it doesn’t end. It has an end, but is not THE end. Revelation 7:16 They shall hunger no more, neither thirst any more; neither shall the sun light on them, nor any heat. 7:17 For the Lamb which is in the midst of the throne shall feed them, and shall lead them unto living fountains of waters: and God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes. (see also Rev 21:4) I bear testimony . . . as one who has been ordained as a witness of Christ . . . that He lives, and was resurrected. ------------------
Sister Morgan also said that this meeting was one of the most tender, sweet, powerful Spirit-filled meetings she had ever been privileged to attend. "As soon as Elder Christofferson took the stand, this Spirit began to permeate the room. He explained that he had felt impressed that they should move, and had resisted that impression for some time, but in the end decided they should follow the prompting (because we all know how it turns out if we don’t, he joked!). He spoke about having firmness of mind and pressing forward with steadfastness in Christ – that if we grow in humility, we will become more and more firm. We will become sanctified as we yield our hearts to God. He then bestowed upon our congregation an Apostolic blessing."
It really was a wonderful meeting. And we are so thankful to have known them.
Saturday, February 24, 2018
The Baby Self
Last week, I asked my EJC mom's for a little help. We've been learning about our limiting beliefs and things we tell ourselves, and I think some of my current lack of self confidence comes from rude and cruel things said to me by some of my kids. The other mom's shared their own struggles and offered advice as they've tried to figure things out. The thing that has been the most helpful is a book that a lady named Andrea recommended. She's been in the trenches with raising 5 kids and is a grandma now. She said the book "Get Out Of My Life... But first could you drive me and Cheryl to the mall" by Anthony Wolf is excellent. (Funny title, huh!)
I put it on hold at the library and picked it up over the weekend, and can I just say wow! The introduction had me totally laughing and starting to see clearly. It's pretty great, it's like a book about how to speak teenager, and how to translate things that they say for what they actually mean. So, after reading 30 pages I knew I'd want to have this on hand for a reference, so I ordered it and now I'm marking it up.
One part I liked is about how teenagers are in a hard transition period, where they want to be mature and independent, but also want to be a baby sometimes and have us take care of them. He gave an analogy of when his daughter Margaret was little, and everyday for two moths, she would sit at the bottom of the stairs and cry for 30 minutes, because she didn't want to walk up the stairs, but wanted for her parents to carry her. from page 17 and 18 -
During the first part of her life, once she began to interact with her world, she had been Queen of the Universe. What she wanted us, her parents, to do, we did. Her will was our will. there was no separation. Then to her delight but also to her horror, Margaret discovered that this did not have to be the case.
She had already tried the "no" experiment and discovered it's results. A parent says "Come here" and a child says "No". The child then watches her own body to see whom it will obey. To her delight it always obeys her. But up until a child's first open defiance of her parents, she has no way of knowing who is in charge of her body. The experiment has a second part. That is what Margaret was fighting for on the stairs.
"It's okay, sort of, that I"m in charge of me. But I certainly don't want to give up being in charge of you. Mommy and Daddy, if it is true that we are totally separate and have separate wills, then it means that I'm actually on my own and that is not so good. For then I am alone and very little. I will have to do everything for myself. I will have to learn how to survive. And I do not like any of that. I prefer the old way." Margaret was fighting to remain the absolute ruler of the universe-- without any obligations or responsibilities. Who wouldn't?
So, there are two distinctly different selves in the teenager - one mature, one babylike. The mandate of adolescence decrees that the baby self is no longer welcome. But it is the baby self which is responsible for most of the day to day problems that parents have with their children and teenagers.
Here is quick clip of the baby self in action - Owen's version of Margaret at the stairs. This was in January. Owen was with Corey at the church for a youth activity. Owen was standing on his binky and wanted Corey to get it out from under his foot for him. Corey did once, thinking maybe it really was stuck, but then Owen put it back on the ground, stepped on it again, and continued to cry for help.
Anyway, that's all I'll share for now. I think this book will help us a ton to not get sucked into the drama and debate. We just need to keep these things fresh in our minds and above all else stay calm. They are not being intentionally difficult, it just truly is how they see the world. They'll make it through this and so will we. Dr. Wolf says that someday these young men will become adults who genuinely like and respect us and are comfortable with us.
A person genuinely considerate of others, and, amazingly, considerate of you. They will be a grown child who now appreciates all that you have done for him or her. "You were a great parent, even through I know that I really gave you a hard time."
I'm grateful for this book for keeping that hope alive! Some day Daniel will be a teenager too.
They'll turn out great and I don't need to worry about being a bad mother, we'll make it through this.
One part I liked is about how teenagers are in a hard transition period, where they want to be mature and independent, but also want to be a baby sometimes and have us take care of them. He gave an analogy of when his daughter Margaret was little, and everyday for two moths, she would sit at the bottom of the stairs and cry for 30 minutes, because she didn't want to walk up the stairs, but wanted for her parents to carry her. from page 17 and 18 -
During the first part of her life, once she began to interact with her world, she had been Queen of the Universe. What she wanted us, her parents, to do, we did. Her will was our will. there was no separation. Then to her delight but also to her horror, Margaret discovered that this did not have to be the case.
She had already tried the "no" experiment and discovered it's results. A parent says "Come here" and a child says "No". The child then watches her own body to see whom it will obey. To her delight it always obeys her. But up until a child's first open defiance of her parents, she has no way of knowing who is in charge of her body. The experiment has a second part. That is what Margaret was fighting for on the stairs.
"It's okay, sort of, that I"m in charge of me. But I certainly don't want to give up being in charge of you. Mommy and Daddy, if it is true that we are totally separate and have separate wills, then it means that I'm actually on my own and that is not so good. For then I am alone and very little. I will have to do everything for myself. I will have to learn how to survive. And I do not like any of that. I prefer the old way." Margaret was fighting to remain the absolute ruler of the universe-- without any obligations or responsibilities. Who wouldn't?
So, there are two distinctly different selves in the teenager - one mature, one babylike. The mandate of adolescence decrees that the baby self is no longer welcome. But it is the baby self which is responsible for most of the day to day problems that parents have with their children and teenagers.
Here is quick clip of the baby self in action - Owen's version of Margaret at the stairs. This was in January. Owen was with Corey at the church for a youth activity. Owen was standing on his binky and wanted Corey to get it out from under his foot for him. Corey did once, thinking maybe it really was stuck, but then Owen put it back on the ground, stepped on it again, and continued to cry for help.
Oh, the baby self! Also, page 20 -
Not only can the baby inside of teenager control their behavior,. It can achieve this without their knowledge. Teenagers have an infinite capacity for self-deception. "Me? No, My mom's the baby. She's the one who isn't mature enough to change her mind. I'm just trying to get to be a little more independent. She's the one who needs to grow up."
We're getting that a lot from our teens, being called "so immature" and "so annoying".
This is actually how they think. (cont on p. 21) This is a characteristic of the baby self It does not look at itself. It does not judge itself. It is not bad. It is not good. It is not anything. That is why adolescents can be so infuriatingly oblivious to their own behavior. They are not being intentionally difficult. In a way that makes no sense, but reflects their thinking process, what they do at home exists in a sphere of it's own. It has nothing to do with the adolescents sense of self, with the kid of person he or she really is. They simply do not look at themselves. Looking at themselves is not something that the baby self does.
Anyway, that's all I'll share for now. I think this book will help us a ton to not get sucked into the drama and debate. We just need to keep these things fresh in our minds and above all else stay calm. They are not being intentionally difficult, it just truly is how they see the world. They'll make it through this and so will we. Dr. Wolf says that someday these young men will become adults who genuinely like and respect us and are comfortable with us.
A person genuinely considerate of others, and, amazingly, considerate of you. They will be a grown child who now appreciates all that you have done for him or her. "You were a great parent, even through I know that I really gave you a hard time."
I'm grateful for this book for keeping that hope alive! Some day Daniel will be a teenager too.
Friday, February 23, 2018
Clearing
Good morning, Tiffanie!
Action at full throttle is like living with sun twenty four hours a day without the balance of moon and nightime to rest and recharge. It’s too yang. When we live solely to do, fix, or make things happen, we miss a huge opportunity to cultivate the balancing effects of yin energy–receptivity, presence, intuition, surrender–qualities that are only available to us when we slow down.
Thursday, February 22, 2018
Healthy Daniel
Last night we had a sit down dinner again, yay for me. I made Red Okra Curry. It was my own creation, adapting it from a Purple Carrot Red Curry Ramen. I've used this as a base recipe before. This time we used rice instead of ramen, a side of zucchini instead of carrots, and I added some okra to the pot of curry. The kids all tried it (cause Corey had brought home some Dunford Donuts as a reward for the children who tried the food I prepared). A handful said the meal was good. The rest said it was tolerable. Tolerable - that's good enough for me, I'll take it!
Daniel often follows me around when it's meal time. Here I am eating my dinner in Ethan and Hyrum's room one night at the beginning of February, (which is why sit down meals needs to be one of my priorities this year...)
I asked Corey to take a picture of Daniel eating my salad. He's such a healthy little guy. Lily used to eat my soup, and she is still a healthy eater, maybe cause that is what she and we have been telling her for years. We'll start that up with Daniel now too!
So Daniel likes to share bits of the salads I make. He's likes beets and tomatoes.
This morning Daniel sat by me on the stairs and we enjoyed the leftover okra and curry for lunch. I looked at him and said "Daniel, I bet you're the only 1 year old in America eating okra right now..." He is such a healthy little kid! A few weeks ago, on a Costco trip, I picked up a few samples to give to him. But he didn't want the pizza, or the buttered bread, he didn't want any of the normal foods. But as we were standing in line at the check out, that little kid grabbed the package of mushrooms, popped his little fingers through the plastic, pulled out a mushroom for himself, and started chomping on it like it was a big juicy apple. I looked at him and thought "You are so weird! I love it! Go Daniel, you eat that mushroom!" Here he is eating a mushroom at home.
Testing it out... Hmm...
Yeah, I'll give it a go, this is the healthy stuff that's good for me, right mom?
Yes Daniel, that will keep you alive and well. So help me, I would love it if this kid never learns the word McDonalds and never has a fond memory of any fast food joint. Well... I will allow it if it's in a foreign country. But I"m determined for Daniel to grow up with memories of outdoor parks and hikes in the mountains instead of playplaces! That is my goal. There might still be hope for Owen, but Natalie's got a big sugar dragon and love "Nicdonals". She wants cereal for breakfast and lunch, hot chocolate for a snack, and yogurt for dinner. Those are all things Corey grabs when he does his little grocery run on the way home from work. I know I know, he's only trying to be helpful. Yesterday it was helful cause I did want some kale which I'm going to use tonight (Roasted Tomato Gratin! It's a new family fav) but we're gonna go over our grocery budget again sweetie. And it's hard for my gratin to compete with Yoplait if it's around... we gotta work together a little more. Natalie, I'm sure, would have finished off the yogurt Corey got yesterday had I not hidden it in the fridge in the garage.
But little Daniel, my goal is that forever, instead of reaching for the sugary yogurt in the fridge - he will reach for the hummus! Just kidding, that's not a goal... cause he already does that! Here he is eating some steamed yellow squash.
(I just love baby squats - how their legs just fold up, so cute.) Daniel also enjoys eating roasted seaweed.
Sophi, Natalie, Owen and Daniel all love the seaweed cause I started young with them (Sophi eating it in her carseat) - but not the kids Abi and older, they all think it's stinky and gross (Wes replused by it years ago). It's pretty funny how it is all crispy and they shove it and crinkle it into their little mouths.
I have to eat the seaweed secretly, cause if the kids catch me or hear the crinkling, they'll come eat up the whole package, and another, and another. But I guess that's a good thing, right? I should encourage it when they find plant based foods that they like. Yes, I'll try to support good things and not squash them.
Daniel often follows me around when it's meal time. Here I am eating my dinner in Ethan and Hyrum's room one night at the beginning of February, (which is why sit down meals needs to be one of my priorities this year...)
But little Daniel, my goal is that forever, instead of reaching for the sugary yogurt in the fridge - he will reach for the hummus! Just kidding, that's not a goal... cause he already does that! Here he is eating some steamed yellow squash.
I have to eat the seaweed secretly, cause if the kids catch me or hear the crinkling, they'll come eat up the whole package, and another, and another. But I guess that's a good thing, right? I should encourage it when they find plant based foods that they like. Yes, I'll try to support good things and not squash them.
Wednesday, February 21, 2018
I Am A Purist!!
I've probably mentioned it here a few times, that I have a teenager that gives me a run for my money. It is thanks to him that Corey and I are in the advanced parenting course "Parenting 505" as explained in this talk by Elder Lynn Robbins -
Shepard Smith: You were, uh, painted into a corner last week when you were asked a very pointed hypothetical question about liberty. So let's do that again!
Ron Paul: G-g-great!
Shepard Smith: Let's pretend you are a representative of the federal government walking down the street. You see a house on fire. Do you act?
Ron Paul: [ shaking his head frantically ] Nooo!! That's none of my business!
Shepard Smith: What if... the house is full of puppies? Puppies with their noses pressed against the glass. Do you act then?
Ron Paul: No! That is NOT my place!
Shepard Smith: What if... the puppies were making this noise: [ he moans like a helpless puppy ] And they're all wearing bows. What would you do?
Ron Paul: I'd let the puppies BURN! I am a PURIST! The puppies should DIE!!
Shepard Smith: Well... Ron Paul, you stuck to your guns! Your weird, old guns!
I thought that was so funny. And that quote from a pretend Ron Paul runs through my head often around here when Eth's worried about germs. "HE IS A PURIST!! THE PUPPIES SHOULD DIE!" Corey told Eth tonight that he's gotta learn to relax about gross stuff or there's a good chance he's gonna get his butt kicked on a mission when he can't offend his dinner hosts when he's served a plate of bugs~
That is a picture from one of our neighbors on his mission in the Philippines (March 13, 2016 entry) The weirdest thing I had to eat on my mission was menudo, that was pretty nasty, but ya gotta eat it up with good manners. Though I'm sure I would have had a hard time being brave over a plate of bugs! It will be fun to see where our kids go. I'm excited to be able to hear about all the things they will learn as missionaries.
A sweet and obedient child will enroll a father or mother only in Parenting 101. If you are blessed with a child who tests your patience to the nth degree, you will be enrolled in Parenting 505. Rather than wonder what you might have done wrong in the premortal life to be so deserving, you might consider the more challenging child a blessing and opportunity to become more godlike yourself. With which child will your patience, long-suffering, and other Christlike virtues most likely be tested, developed, and refined? Could it be possible that you need this child as much as this child needs you?
Yes, I need my Ethan. So, last night for dinner I made a Purple Carrot thing which was quite delicious, if I do say so myself - Dosa Lettuce Wraps. As usual, Mel and Hyrum liked it, and everyone else wanted something else. So Ethan was making some french toast for himself but wouldn't make it for anyone else, so I started making it for the rest of the kids. And Ethan's hands were gooey from dipping the bread in the egg and milk mixture, as were mine, but he kept asking us to do things for him - poor more milk into the mixture for him, flip his toast with the spatula, open the fridge, etc... not cause he didn't want to contaminate things with his messy fingers, but he didn't want messy things to contaminate his fingers that he was touching his toast with. He is so concerned about messes in all their infinite variety. Last week on Wednesday, it was "steak" night, (haha! Cauliflower steaks that is - gotcha kids!) and I knew most of the kids would be like "What the freak Mom!?!?" so I made sure there were more options: I made the Butternut Squash Caponata, had a big fresh pot of potato vegetable soup and had some leftover spaghetti. Ethan came to dinner and after surveying the options and quickly concluding that there was "nothing" to eat, he went to make himself some spaghetti. "There's some leftover spaghetti right here." "How long has that been there?!?!" "One day (might have been 2)" "That's OLD!! Natalie probably put her fingers in it! Little kids could have sneezed in it! I'm not eating that!" This was one of the first sit down meals we all sat down for in a while, and Corey wanted Ethan to sit down with us, thus he replied "You can't make more spaghetti. This is what's for dinner" "No!!! Please can I make spaghetti!!?!?!" "No. This is what's for dinner." "AAHHHH!!!! Why!?!?" But, after a little more venting and throwing back his head to scream at the ceiling, Ethan, bless his soul, did sit down and eat some soup. Good job Eth! So, that was a longer than needed to be story to give an example of how Ethan is a purist. He does not like his food to be touched by little kids. He never makes peanut butter sandwiches, cause who knows how many sibling germs could be in that jar. He won't even use an already opened jar of Nutella for the same reason. He must be the first to use an item. His sanitation takes priority, he means business! Corey teased him last week saying "You don't bring in enough income to this household to demand such high standards for yourself..." Ethan will not use the hand towels to dry his hands, even the clean ones in the drawer, cause you just can't really trust anything to be clean around here. He only uses paper towels. I didn't grow up with paper towels and it seems so wasteful to me, especially with the great frequency that Ethan uses them, but it is helping me be patient and long suffering and I've learned not to say anything about it (though I still think it and have to grit my teeth), and I even (albeit reluctantly) buy paper towels now and then (cause if I don't buy them in bulk at Costco, Corey will pay for the overpriced ones at Smiths). Don't let Eth see you cough at the table though, and don't even think about talking to him if you've got a cold sore on your lip. Poor Wes has sore chapped lips from playing his trumpet in this dry Utah winter weather, and thus Ethan picks on him "Why do you have cold sores all the time?!?! You're so gross!" And do not, heaven forbid, be sick around him, or he'll give you a tongue lashing for contaminating the air. SO, sorry, not trying to rag on Ethan, just giving some very common example around here of how Ethan demonstrates that he is a purist. The phrase "I am a purist!" comes to my mind often when these exchanges and episodes happen around here. And that is why I'm typing all this up, so that I can share this phrase that has been in my brain for the past 7 years - a line from this SNL political sketch (see minute 9:10) where Ron Paul was being questioned in a mock debate sketch by Shepard Smith:Shepard Smith: You were, uh, painted into a corner last week when you were asked a very pointed hypothetical question about liberty. So let's do that again!
Ron Paul: G-g-great!
Shepard Smith: Let's pretend you are a representative of the federal government walking down the street. You see a house on fire. Do you act?
Ron Paul: [ shaking his head frantically ] Nooo!! That's none of my business!
Shepard Smith: What if... the house is full of puppies? Puppies with their noses pressed against the glass. Do you act then?
Ron Paul: No! That is NOT my place!
Shepard Smith: What if... the puppies were making this noise: [ he moans like a helpless puppy ] And they're all wearing bows. What would you do?
Ron Paul: I'd let the puppies BURN! I am a PURIST! The puppies should DIE!!
Shepard Smith: Well... Ron Paul, you stuck to your guns! Your weird, old guns!
I thought that was so funny. And that quote from a pretend Ron Paul runs through my head often around here when Eth's worried about germs. "HE IS A PURIST!! THE PUPPIES SHOULD DIE!" Corey told Eth tonight that he's gotta learn to relax about gross stuff or there's a good chance he's gonna get his butt kicked on a mission when he can't offend his dinner hosts when he's served a plate of bugs~
Tuesday, February 20, 2018
Snowy Days
So we didn't do much for our anniversary yesterday. The kids tried really hard to get us to leave the house, and we would have liked to, but circumstances just didn't allow it. Reason 1 - the snow. It's been an all or nothin' winter, and yesterday we got all of it. We got piled on. Usually I know when a storm is coming, but this one I wasn't paying attention, cause when we woke up Monday morning I was surprised to see it out on our balcony. So that made me scratch my plan - I was thinking it would have been fun to go have breakfast or lunch in Midway at the Blue Boar Inn, where we went for our first anniversary. But, alas, we don't have a car with 4 wheel drive. And the van is making weird noises anyway. And it's check engine light is on. Snow is reason #1, the car is reason #2. We don't have a vehicle to go up there. We have 3 cars, but the van is having issues and I don't want to drive it anywhere but straight to the repair shop. The Fiesta is no good in the snow, and probably just got worse in the snow cause of bald tires, (I'll tell you that story in a minute...) And Corey lent his car to a friend from Brazil for a few weeks until they buy one. It's made logistics a little trickier around here, but Corey, you are nice to your friends. So, yeah, no car to drive in this snow anyway. We probably could have still tried to go out to eat, but reason #3 - Corey was catching up on consulting hours since he had spent a lot of time doing MM stuff last week and cause he had been sick and laying low over the weekend. He still wasn't feeling very good, and that is reason #4. So that is how our anniversary went this year. Better than our anniversary in 2007 though. When the kids were buggin us to leave, I said "It's okay, this isn't as bad as 2007..." and Ethan looked at Corey and said "SEE! She remembers when the anniversary is bad!" Lay off kids! We'll do something! We promise, our marriage is a priority! And our marriage will be strong whether we do something on the actual anniversary day or not. So relax, we'll do something, but we're not going to be able to do anything today.
Another circumstantial issue - so, we got our garage fixed a year ago, and during the fall last year, the garage openers started to only work about half the time. Yesterday when Corey drove home from church, the garage opener didn't open the garage, so Corey left the Ford Fiesta in the driveway and forgot about it. It was left out overnight and got piled on. And that little car doesn't drive well in the snow, even just a 10 foot drive up our driveway into the garage. Ethan wanted to drive it in to the garage before he finished plowing the snow. Corey said okay, hoping to help Ethan gain experience and become aware of one of the many things he doesn't know about yet, so Eth tried and tried and the car was revving and he got it stuck even more and there was black tire dust covering the snow and the smell of burned rubber in the air. Great. I wasn't aware any of this was going on until Abi came in and said the neighbors were trying to help Ethan get the car unstuck, then I heard the revving and told Corey to go help. Corey took the keys and told them to finish plowing. But first Ethan and Hy needed a break for lunch. So the driveway was unplowed, car stuck, and the ate, played a game of Go for it, and then went out to finish plowing. As they made a pass by the Fiesta with the blower, forgot they had left the Fiesta car window down, and Eth snow-blew it right in the window so NOW there was a nice coat of snow on the interior of the car. Joseph, who spent the weekend in St. George, took the Fiesta today, and I told him how the tires are a little bald now and told him why. He then left for "Temple Tuesday" but before leaving came back in with a towel... "The inside of the car is wet... ?" Oh yeah, forgot to tell you that part. Ethan snow blowed in straight into the open window, sorry. Joseph shook his head and and said "I leave you guys alone for five days!!!!" I know Joseph, we're a mess!! Don't go a mission! We won't make it without you!!!!
We got more snow this morning. Luckily the older kids had a late start (cause Mel and the junior class were doing ACT prep stuff) so that gave me time to get in my exercise before plowing. This afternoon, the snow plow finally cleared the street, and it shoved a wall of snow boulders into our driveway entrance, trapping us in! Hyrum and I cleared it while a neighbor, Brian, visited with us. Mel brought out Daniel, who she said was crying at the window wanting to play with us. Mel got him all decked out, SO CUTE. There is nothing cuter than than a toddler in snow gear.
One fun thing we did today was watch little Daniel as he discovered the snowy world
He's such a cutie pie. We love little D, and it's so fun to watch him.
Another circumstantial issue - so, we got our garage fixed a year ago, and during the fall last year, the garage openers started to only work about half the time. Yesterday when Corey drove home from church, the garage opener didn't open the garage, so Corey left the Ford Fiesta in the driveway and forgot about it. It was left out overnight and got piled on. And that little car doesn't drive well in the snow, even just a 10 foot drive up our driveway into the garage. Ethan wanted to drive it in to the garage before he finished plowing the snow. Corey said okay, hoping to help Ethan gain experience and become aware of one of the many things he doesn't know about yet, so Eth tried and tried and the car was revving and he got it stuck even more and there was black tire dust covering the snow and the smell of burned rubber in the air. Great. I wasn't aware any of this was going on until Abi came in and said the neighbors were trying to help Ethan get the car unstuck, then I heard the revving and told Corey to go help. Corey took the keys and told them to finish plowing. But first Ethan and Hy needed a break for lunch. So the driveway was unplowed, car stuck, and the ate, played a game of Go for it, and then went out to finish plowing. As they made a pass by the Fiesta with the blower, forgot they had left the Fiesta car window down, and Eth snow-blew it right in the window so NOW there was a nice coat of snow on the interior of the car. Joseph, who spent the weekend in St. George, took the Fiesta today, and I told him how the tires are a little bald now and told him why. He then left for "Temple Tuesday" but before leaving came back in with a towel... "The inside of the car is wet... ?" Oh yeah, forgot to tell you that part. Ethan snow blowed in straight into the open window, sorry. Joseph shook his head and and said "I leave you guys alone for five days!!!!" I know Joseph, we're a mess!! Don't go a mission! We won't make it without you!!!!
We got more snow this morning. Luckily the older kids had a late start (cause Mel and the junior class were doing ACT prep stuff) so that gave me time to get in my exercise before plowing. This afternoon, the snow plow finally cleared the street, and it shoved a wall of snow boulders into our driveway entrance, trapping us in! Hyrum and I cleared it while a neighbor, Brian, visited with us. Mel brought out Daniel, who she said was crying at the window wanting to play with us. Mel got him all decked out, SO CUTE. There is nothing cuter than than a toddler in snow gear.
He's such a cutie pie. We love little D, and it's so fun to watch him.
If you can't tell how deep it is by the videos, just us that it's deep. It kinda shows in this pic on top of our garbage can.
Had I been thinking, I would have moved the garbage can into the front yard before the snow came, cause now there's a good chance it's stuck. I'll try to move it tomorrow before the trash collector comes. Maybe... I'm not sure how I'll drag that heavy thing through so much snow. Oh, another thing that was nice for our anniversary - Mel and Abi had stayed up late cleaning the kitchen. Thus, there wasn't a pile of dirty dishes in the sink - the dirty dishes were stacked up around the sink in neat piles!
That is a big improvement over the kitchen sinks that have been greeting me in the mornings lately. That looks nicer that usual to have the sink clear! Thank you!
A kinda clean sink, yay! Happy Anniversary to us!
Monday, February 19, 2018
19 Years of Us
Hey hey! It's that time of year again! Today Corey and I have been married for 19 years! Happy anniversary sweetheart! 19 years!?!? We're getting up there. And our anniversary is on the 19th, so I'm going to say that this is our Golden Anniversary, kinda like a golden birthday - 19 years on February 19th. I thought I'd share a picture of us for each year, but it appears for many/most years we don't have a picture of just us. There are a few pictures of mostly the two of us on vacation or snapshots before a trip to the hospital, but most pictures with both of us are usually a from a family photo session. So most of these pictures of "us" involve all the little people that have joined up with us over these past 19 years. Let us begin.... It started out simple enough with "just the two of us..." in 1999
(I uploaded our wedding video to youtube last year) Young and in love. We were in school and were expecting right away. In Jan 2000 Joseph was born. Fall of 2000 - with little Joseph, expecting Melodie who was born in Dec 2000 - two kids in the same year!
Us with our two little friends in 2001
November 2003 - another little guy Hyrum joins the gang.
And another - baby Wes in 2005
Family pictures above, and we got pictures taken again with extended family a month later before we took off for an adventure when we moved to Virginia.
We were only in Virginia for 9 months, then we moved to Brazil for 3 months in 2007 - at the Sao Paulo temple.
