I Am In Control Of Me

So, Corey is in St. George with half of the kids (EALSN), I'm at home with the other half (JMHWOD). We've both had a great weekend so far - Corey was able to get lots of work done without any needy toddlers around (no offense to Owen and Daniel!). He said it was super easy watching the little girls swim while Ethan was in his jazz band rehearsals. And life here seems pretty quiet and calm without my teenager that tends to tease and without the little girls that make the messes! ...Not that I'm focusing on the bad things. So, around here, it doesn't matter if Corey and I are home together or not... Friday night is date night and the kids kick me out of the house. So I went on a date tonight by myself. The Draper and Salt Lake temples are both closed for cleaning, so I went to the American Fork Temple, but first I went to Aubergine in Lehi for my date night dinner: a yummy salad and "nice cream" - made of cashews and cocoa, mmm.

I haven't been to the American Fork temple forever, it was nice.

After the temple, since it was still date night and my one night to have dessert, I thought I'd stop by Red Mango for some ice cream. And during my EJC workshop this week, we started by reflecting on the past year, things we've achieved, and then using that to help us establish our goals for this next year. But first we've been digging into our beliefs. Here is the breakthrough I had today, cause I've been going back and forth with things I know and things I feel - oh, I'll just paste my post:

I’m hoping I made some breakthroughs here. SO! My outcome that I want to achieve is to get to 120 lbs/my ideal body/a six pack. I wrote out my answers to all the questions in step 1 for awareness. My negative thought is that I don’t deserve it because I’m not in control of my life – a six pack/defined abs or my ideal body would represent perfection and a person who has their act together. And I don’t have my act together, so I don’t deserve it. So for step 2 – I think my boiled down limiting belief is: I AM NOT IN CONTROL. Here’s what I wrote in response to the questions

Q1 – Is this true? Yes, I am not in control of much of my life, but false that I can’t be in control of diet/exercise.

Q2 – Yes? Can you absolutely know without a doubt that this is true? NO! and immediately I thought of Viktor Frankl’s book Mans Search for Meaning! I AM in control of ME!!! and how I RESPOND to my life and my circumstances!

Q3 – How do I react, what happens when I believe this thought (that I am not in control)? I just don’t even try to be in control! I’ll pig out on a dessert if it’s available. Does it bring me peace or stress? Definitely stress, I feel like a victim. What images do I see? Me, hunched over in a chair, or slouched on a couch with a tummy bulging, sad expression. What sensations does it cause? Craving junk. Any obsessions appear? chocolate and cookies.

Q4 – Who would I be without this thought? So think “I AM IN CONTROL” instead... what do I visualize then? I see me standing tall, confident, looking up, facing the coming storm, ready to stand firm.

So tonight I got half way through this video and did the little bit of extra credit homework you gave me. It was date night like it is every Friday, and even though my husband was gone, I went out for date night. The first Friday of every month we go to the temple. I went out to Aubergine and got a healthy salad and some vegan “nice cream” and then went to the temple. After it was over, I was driving home, and told myself that since it was date night, I could let myself have another dessert. I started thinking about it in the temple, of going to Red Mango and getting one more treat, (Rationalizing: cause it’s date night! my cheat meal! (but if I was being honest I’d have recognized I’d already had more than a few cheats during the past week)) (I’m always starting over) Anyway, on the drive home I would be passing Red Mango, but I decided to not do it and what do you know, the ACTION of resisting and saying NO made me “FEEL!” better! I felt thinner, I felt healthier! NOTHING HAD CHANGED except for my thought, but I felt better and healthier. So I realized that so much of what I’m feeling or not feeling about myself comes from what I think about doing and then what I actually DO!!! I also read today a church article about a girl who overcame her addictions after she stopped making excuses – it said “I continually fooled myself into believing that my daily choices didn’t define me or my future” – hello, light bulb about beliefs! My daily choices (like whether or not to stop for ice cream) DO and ARE defining me now! And if I keep making those same choices and don’t take CONTROL of my decisions, They will continue to define me and thus will be defining the me in my future. So I was super proud I resisted the ice cream and I came home and made a swiss chard salad with beets and lots of good stuff instead. I do have control over my daily choices and they will define me and my future. My “cheats” lead to more poor choices and disappointment, which leads to me feeling out of control, then feeling like a victim, and giving in to the cravings and addiction which results in me visualizing myself as a sad slouched over pudgy frazzled mom.

So anyway, not sure if that made sense, but I didn't get the ice cream and came home and made another big green salad for myself - red chard, beets, white beans, mushrooms, onions, with some vegan poppy seed dressing, good stuff!

So I'm excited about the EJC community I'm in and I think I'm even gonna keep paying to be a part of it, it's helping me learn about myself and become a better person. The workshop/challenge we're doing is called "Design Your Best Year Yet". And I'm seeing messages everywhere reinforcing things I'm learning! Like in these two magnets from my parent's refrigerator:

One of the biggest things I want to focus on this year is gratitude. I want to have a good attitude.

So that's that, I'm going to tell myself and believe that I am in control. And if you want a delicious breakfast, bananas, frozen blueberries, 2 Tablespoons of ground flax seed and almond milk.

I'm going to work to get my best yet healthiest body and mindset this year. I'm loving the EJC if anyone wants to join me! I'm hoping to get some more of my homework there done this weekend before Corey and my mess makers get back (just kidding EALSN!)