The Baby Self

Last week, I asked my EJC mom's for a little help. We've been learning about our limiting beliefs and things we tell ourselves, and I think some of my current lack of self confidence comes from rude and cruel things said to me by some of my kids. The other mom's shared their own struggles and offered advice as they've tried to figure things out. The thing that has been the most helpful is a book that a lady named Andrea recommended. She's been in the trenches with raising 5 kids and is a grandma now. She said the book "Get Out Of My Life... But first could you drive me and Cheryl to the mall" by Anthony Wolf is excellent. (Funny title, huh!)

I put it on hold at the library and picked it up over the weekend, and can I just say wow! The introduction had me totally laughing and starting to see clearly. It's pretty great, it's like a book about how to speak teenager, and how to translate things that they say for what they actually mean. So, after reading 30 pages I knew I'd want to have this on hand for a reference, so I ordered it and now I'm marking it up.

One part I liked is about how teenagers are in a hard transition period, where they want to be mature and independent, but also want to be a baby sometimes and have us take care of them. He gave an analogy of when his daughter Margaret was little, and everyday for two moths, she would sit at the bottom of the stairs and cry for 30 minutes, because she didn't want to walk up the stairs, but wanted for her parents to carry her. from page 17 and 18 -

During the first part of her life, once she began to interact with her world, she had been Queen of the Universe. What she wanted us, her parents, to do, we did. Her will was our will. there was no separation. Then to her delight but also to her horror, Margaret discovered that this did not have to be the case.

She had already tried the "no" experiment and discovered it's results. A parent says "Come here" and a child says "No". The child then watches her own body to see whom it will obey. To her delight it always obeys her. But up until a child's first open defiance of her parents, she has no way of knowing who is in charge of her body. The experiment has a second part. That is what Margaret was fighting for on the stairs.

"It's okay, sort of, that I"m in charge of me. But I certainly don't want to give up being in charge of you. Mommy and Daddy, if it is true that we are totally separate and have separate wills, then it means that I'm actually on my own and that is not so good. For then I am alone and very little. I will have to do everything for myself. I will have to learn how to survive. And I do not like any of that. I prefer the old way." Margaret was fighting to remain the absolute ruler of the universe-- without any obligations or responsibilities. Who wouldn't?

So, there are two distinctly different selves in the teenager - one mature, one babylike. The mandate of adolescence decrees that the baby self is no longer welcome. But it is the baby self which is responsible for most of the day to day problems that parents have with their children and teenagers.

Here is quick clip of the baby self in action - Owen's version of Margaret at the stairs. This was in January. Owen was with Corey at the church for a youth activity. Owen was standing on his binky and wanted Corey to get it out from under his foot for him. Corey did once, thinking maybe it really was stuck, but then Owen put it back on the ground, stepped on it again, and continued to cry for help.

Oh, the baby self! Also, page 20 - 

Not only can the baby inside of teenager control their behavior,. It can achieve this without their knowledge. Teenagers have an infinite capacity for self-deception. "Me? No, My mom's the baby. She's the one who isn't mature enough to change her mind. I'm just trying to get to be a little more independent. She's the one who needs to grow up." 

We're getting that a lot from our teens, being called "so immature" and "so annoying". 

This is actually how they think. (cont on p. 21) This is a characteristic of the baby self It does not look at itself. It does not judge itself. It is not bad. It is not good. It is not anything. That is why adolescents can be so infuriatingly oblivious to their own behavior. They are not being intentionally difficult. In a way that makes no sense, but reflects their thinking process, what they do at home exists in a sphere of it's own. It has nothing to do with the adolescents sense of self, with the kid of person he or she really is. They simply do not look at themselves. Looking at themselves is not something that the baby self does. 

Anyway, that's all I'll share for now. I think this book will help us a ton to not get sucked into the drama and debate. We just need to keep these things fresh in our minds and above all else stay calm. They are not being intentionally difficult, it just truly is how they see the world. They'll make it through this and so will we. Dr. Wolf says that someday these young men will become adults who genuinely like and respect us and are comfortable with us.

A person genuinely considerate of others, and, amazingly, considerate of you. They will be a grown child who now appreciates all that you have done for him or her. "You were a great parent, even through I know that I really gave you a hard time." 

I'm grateful for this book for keeping that hope alive! Some day Daniel will be a teenager too.

They'll turn out great and I don't need to worry about being a bad mother, we'll make it through this.