The Way It Was...

I drove through the desert last night
I carried the weight of our last fight
Elvis singing "don't be cruel" and I wonder
if you feel it too, it's like we're going under...
Somewhere across the lonely Esmerelda county line 
the question of my heart came to my mind ~
if I go on, with you
can it be the way it was...

I'm loving the new Killers cd - Battleborn.  It just arrived yesterday and the kids and I all squealed with excitement.  I ordered the deluxe version, which I highly recommend (same with the Flamingo cd - bonus track "Right Behind You" is my fav) - so I already liked Runaways, and the next song I'm loving and have on repeat currently is "The Way It Was" - Parts of the tune remind me of Endless Summer Nights my favorite song from 6th grade (Oh, this video ~ my goodness, that hair.  So glad I survived the 80s, such hideous style, wow), so the music reminds me a little of my childhood but the lyrics that remind me of when I was struggling with life and letting fear get the best of me ~ "Maybe your fear stole your heart..." That was sometime during our years at the Crosswood house, so during 2007-2010...  I've been reading my old journal entries to try and find the dates of the beginning of my "refiner's fire" when my waves were crashing down daily and I felt like Corey and I were living separate lives.  Here's one I remember happening in the moment, and I'm glad I recorded

(Write in your Journal Plug: It's really important to write in your journal, cause I promise if you don't (as I tell my children frequently), you will forget most everything about your current life in a few years - which will basically mean you will not know yourself, cause how will you know yourself in 5 years if you don't remember the events that got you there?) ~

Saturday, 12 April 2008 - I was at the gym crying as I walked on the treamill this morning.  I was in the "women's center" - a little room just for girls, so there was only one other lady there, so I don't think anyone saw me, but anyway, I was totally bawling.  On the way home listening to the Disney movie soundtrack of "Enchanted" song #4 which is called "So Close" and is kind of a lovesick song.  I've been feeling like a failure as a wife yesterday and today, and Corey slept on the couch cause Wesley and Abi were in the bed with me, I woke up at 1 a.m. and couldn't fall back asleep, I nursed Abi and stayed up until 3:30 feeling like a failure, so all those emotions came out while I was in the car listening to the music, I kept crying in the car after I got home, went around to the front door instead of the garage, just in case Pablo (house guest from Argentina) was in the kitchen, didn't want to have to explain my puffy eyes, and Corey was up with the kids, he had made breakfast, saw my tears, finished attending to the kids, I took care of Abi, then we were able to talk a bit and I'm feeling much better.  I listened to Elder Eyring, let the sun shine on my face, so we'll see how long I'm good for...

I was also thinking of my refiners fire time because of this book by Ann Voskamp "One Thousand Gifts" - the way she described herself at the beginning sounds like how I was feeling at that time - basically grumpy and bitter and murmuring about life, yet struggling to find a full life of happiness.  I experienced a real change in Costa Rica/Chile, she experienced a change too and the internal workings of her thinking process sounded like mine in many ways.  I'm not done with it yet, but already highly recommend this book.  I'll write out more thoughts later, cause I got a lot.

...Although I'm hoping she explores how to be grateful for things that you're not grateful for (I figured that out, just want to read her saying it, Voskamp really has a gift with words) - cause I tried making blessing lists, but that didn't take care of the things I hated, the non-blessings and holes, that were there in my day to day struggles.  I think she'll get to that cause that is what she started her book with, the death of her little sister and two baby nephews.  (I was tearing up on page 2, again on page 6, and that was with 4 kids around me interrupting my thoughts as I read, mind you).  Again, highly recommend!  Here's more recommendations for it on her website.