Thursday, March 1, 2018

PTCs and Trying to Not Grumble at Life

The elementary kids had parent teacher conferences today. We had to walk to the school cause I didn't have a car. I knew I wasn't going to have one, cause Joseph had the Fiesta at school (he had to stay after for a rehearsal for concerto night, he's in the orchestra), and Mel took the van for her flute lesson. We used to have 3 cars, and we still do, but Corey let a friend borrow it 3 weeks ago.
It's not a big deal, right? Or atleast it shouldn't be if I would listen to my own preaching that I was going off on yesterday about how I have absolutely nothing to complain about, (right SELF?!?!) Boo-hoo, I have a warm coat and good shoes and roof over my head but I have to walk for 20 minutes in the cold weather to a nice school that my children have the privilege of attending. Walk 20 minutes in the windy cold vs. live in a bombed out country with 12 children scavenging for food to survive. Yet here I was, murmuring once again. Mostly the lack of our car frustrates me cause it reminds me of how I'm loosing hope in/for the business and there still is no relief or end in sight (cause the guy Corey gave it to just moved here from Brazil, and he lent Corey $ so Corey could pay some of his Brazil employees, and his friend needs Corey to pay it back so he can buy a car here, so Corey thought he'd buy himself some more time by just letting him borrow our car) So, it's annoying and makes me think grumpy things about the business and how it appears to be a big money pit... So, yeah, I was murmuring, and I was mad at myself for murmuring... I usually do get frustrated with myself for being ungrateful. So we walked to the school and it was really cold and windy and my hand was super cold cause I was eating a cold apple and couldn't put my hand in my pockets cause I had to hold it to eat it! I had to hold it, of all things!! Tough life I got, right!? So. We got to school. We went to see Sophi's class first. We passed by this picture of Sophi in the hall -
They had just celebrated the 100th day of school. The kids got to dress up like a 100 year old person for it. Sophi wore a bathrobe and I put curlers in her hair. Then they used one of those faceapp type things to make the kids look old for the photo. We got a real kick out of her picture, she looked like the most legitly old person on the wall.
Next we went to Lily's. Lily showed us a picture she drew of our family while we waited.
She got a real kick of how she drew Corey. She said he's tired. And some art that Lily did that was on the wall in the hall.
I think it might make our wall, cause it's colorful and we all know that I like colorful things! So conferences were nice, the school was warm, the kids teachers are great, the girls are doing great.  It was a good distraction to get me out of my bad attitude. I was hoping we'd see someone who could give us a ride home, but when we were done and on our way outside, the wind had stopped and it was a rather pleasant walk. And I was able to count is as my goal #5 for the day, yay! I'm checking off my goals. So as we walked back home, I thought about how Holly said that I shouldn't beat myself up for having mad thoughts, cause they are just thoughts, but I do need to get them out, let them move on, I shouldn't own them or keep them. Holly said thoughts are like clouds, just let them float by. She also quoted Dr. Laura - you can't stop a bird from landing on your head, but you shouldn't let it build a nest. I googled that to try to find the exact quote and look at that - google attributes the quote to Martin Luther!
(Did you know that he's my 17th great grandfather? Pretty fun, huh!) The negative thoughts really are just a bunch of temptations. :) I let them push me around a bit, but the walk home helped me calm down. But then other temptations we awaiting me at home... behold my kitchen (Lily is a blur walking by, making a tortilla something)
Ugh, gonna be hard to prepare dinner in this area. By the way, who wants dinner? Ethan? Nope, he's asleep buried in his comfortor...
Natalie, Wes? They're asleep on the floor. Sophi and Abi are asleep in my bed, they fell asleep right after we got back from conferences....
Joseph still at rehearsal, Mel still at her lesson... Corey working in his office...
 Looks like it's just you and me tonight, little boys...
Seems like I should be able to get something done with the house all quiet and all, right? I tried to load the dishwasher and they tried to stop me play. I don't have much on hand to make dinner anyway. I've needed to go to the store since last Saturday, but again, I never had a car. Ugh. So, can't make dinner with out kids awake to help get the little boys away, can't load the dishwasher, maybe we'll go play in the front room...
Blah, looks like we need to clean the front room... every room here is a mess. Why are we stuck living like this? How can we stop the madness? Everyone's so tired from staying up so late and getting up so early... if we want to go to bed at a semi decent hour, you all better wake up now so you can force yourself to go to bed at 11. I turned on "The Greatest Show" to pump some energy into the house. Ok everybody, it's only 6:00 - it's not bedtime yet, wake up and help me! Abi, who is always perceptive to my mood, could tell I was frustrated. Yes, I am. I need to make dinner but no one likes the stuff we have available, but I can't go to the store when Dad's home cause kids will get in his way.
Abi said she'd help me be able to go to Costco. I took Owen with me so that he wouldn't get in Corey's way as he tried to work more. Abi gave her word to watch Daniel. Ok, I didn't tell Corey I was leaving, I just snuck out and hoped he'd not get interrupted and would keep working and might not even notice I was gone. Into the car. As I drove, my alarm to pray and say my affirmations went off at 7:30. I said some of my usual ones, but the one that really resonated was "I am calm, I am clear" and I just said that over and over on my 14 min drive there. Soon I actually was calm and I was able to breathe again. I know that I do have everything I need. I sang the Greatest Showman "The Greatest Show" which lately in my mind has been about all of us Children of God getting ready to come to earth, for the moment we've waited for. It's everything we want, it's everything we need, to prove ourselves and learn what we need to learn. We're working and climbing up these mortal stairs, getting the clinical lab experiences we need to become like our Father in Heaven.
I fighting to get this grumpy natural man out of my soul, it's a lot of work. I'll keep working at it, keep fighting those nagging negative thoughts that fly overhead. I won't own them and let them nest in my hair. Shoo them away and replace them with good things that I choose - I am calm, I am clear, I have everything that I need.

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